Sleep has suddenly become more fashionable than ever. According to the experts, it’s a true panacea. Everywhere I look – news magazines, health websites -- I’m bombarded with new research telling me sleep makes you healthier, smarter, younger looking, happier and of course thinner.
I don’t remember sleep receiving such rave reviews before. As a kid, I thought it was a weak, lazy, sissy thing to do. But between then and now -- I guess I was too bleary-eyed to notice -- it became the latest rage.
Everybody, crazy as it sounds, wants to sleep.
For me, the timing is just perfect; I think I’m finally all worn out.
Sleep, it’s joked, is even the new sex. For Valentine’s Day, one of my friends got a card from her husband that read, “For Valentine’s Day, no sex. Go to bed instead.” She was thrilled.
I think sleep is also the new TV, the new book, the new cocktail party, the new shopping spree. It can really replace absolutely everything because sleep requires nothing at all. And if you tell me something that feels better than a good night’s sleep, I’ll buy you a new Angels Sleep Tee at Victoria’s Secret.
Not that you’ll need it for sleeping.
To sleep, you need no special clothes, no computer software, no gym equipment, no coffee maker. You don’t need to purchase anything. You already have it all.
And amazingly, in this highly specialized world, you already know how to do it. No $9.95 video required. There is absolutely nothing new to learn.
And it’s a perfect getaway for any woman worthy of her gender. When you sleep, you don’t need to communicate at all – no touchy feely conversations. Not one word.
Just lay down on a soft bed. A couch will do. You don’t even have to make it.
And you don’t need to go anywhere either, how convenient. No looking for your car keys or traveling to the airport. You don’t have to cross the street. Everything is already right there, right in front of your lusty, drooling gaze.
And if you lack sleep, what’s the remedy? Go to sleep.
You can’t say that about everything.
Have I made my point?
Sleep is the freest, cheapest, most non-fuss activity any of us could ever want.
So . . . why don’t you go the hell to sleep already?
Because going to sleep and actually sleeping are as different as fairy dust and goblins under the bed. One takes you to dreamland while the other takes you to a place believe me no one wants to visit and no one will go with you, that much I know.
The men, yes, are sleeping – something about circadian rhythms. And women hate them more for this than anything else, ever.
But the women, far as I know, are hardly sleeping at all.
Because it’s hard to sleep when you’re busy on the internet researching statistics on sleep aids like melatonin, valerian, L-Theanine, Tylenol PM, warm baths, standing in front of a cold refrigerator (Ben Franklin’s idea; makes you want to run back to bed), mood music, breathing exercises, warm milk (yuk), hot toddies, self-massage, couples massage (better), reading, not reading, resolving an issue, not resolving it, and my favorite, folding laundry.
Folding laundry is said to make you nod straight off. I can fold all the laundry in China and still grab a few extra shirts in America before dawn.
Personally, the best sleep aid I’ve found is getting ready for bed early, meaning if I meet you for dinner I will likely be in flannel pajamas. And since I’ll be wearing face creams, appearing a bit pasty, please feel free to add a bit of newspaper and make a paper mache head out of me.
But maybe you have a better idea? For example, one morning I saw a woman at Starbuck’s already wearing her fuzzy yellow duck slippers.
She was getting ready for bed even earlier than me, paddling around at 8 in the morning like she was having a late night snack in her very own kitchen.
She was obviously under the influence of some very potent fairy dust. Not willing to be outdone, I considered putting my head on a table and feigning a light snore. But I thought she could teach me a thing or two so I decided to drink more coffee to keep watch.
But you know how coffee plays havoc with sleeping.
Some new fuzzy slippers, anyone?
February 23, 2012