blog
pantyhose update
If you have a wedding upcoming, and your hemlines are lower than they used to be, but your age is creeping up, be forewarned. You still cannot wear stockings with your dress, lest you appear old and frumpy.
Fashionistas already know this of course, yet I foolishly thought there was leeway when the temperature dips and the couple has an outdoor ceremony by a rushing river, trees dropping cracked dying leaves, the sky icy grey. Weather be dammed. It seems no hose is good hose. Still. read more
who needs talent to sing?
I can’t sing. Sure, I can open my mouth and belt out a few tuneless lines, but I always assumed singing meant more than a chaotic shrieking with no resemblance to the song Alexa is blasting on the speaker. At least, I assumed. To explore this topic, let’s look up the definition of singing, shall we? Oxford says, “making musical sounds with the voice.” Merriam-Webster adds, “to utter with musical inflections.” Musical, meantime, is defined as “having a pleasant sound.” Quite restrictive, I might argue, with little room for personal interpretation. read more
mirror, mirror on the wall…. . .…is it good news?
A self-talk recommendation on my daily affirmation calendar was this: Every time I pass a mirror I say, “Hi Honey” and wave. You can imagine what the scene has been like at my house since reading that, with Ray thinking I’m cozying up to him when I’m really sugar-coating myself, and with him being slightly curious if I need professional help. read more
revenge in the driveway
Since we both recently read the best revenge story of all time, The Count of Monte Cristo, I feared Ray would plot his payback after he learned I hit his newish car in the driveway. Immediately, I ran to the seafood market and grabbed an Alaskan king crab leg, nearly $60 a pound. The thing totally disturbs me and makes me feel sad, but not him. And since I was about to reveal that while he was pedaling his two-wheeler in his short bike pants, I hit his fancy Volvo because, well, because I forgot to look behind me, I thought I better be ready with a coveted offering when I got on my knees and begged. read more
let’s leave the neanderthals at home
When you spend a lot of time with your housemates, as we did during the worst of Covid, there comes a time when the two of you, or all of you, simply don’t agree. In which case, a well-placed word could go a long way. It may go a long way in the wrong direction however, and it may have legs that will follow you for quite an annoying time. Your housemates may not like what you called them. For example, a Luddite. read more
good friends overstay
“Always leave them wanting more,” is a quote commonly attributed to the great circus showman P. T. Barnum. The trapeze artists may be swinging, the clowns may be juggling, the acrobats may be tumbling -- but now it’s time to let the bug-eyed audience go home, dreaming of the next time they’ll see people jump through hoops. read more
who’s your doppelganger? cleopatra?
“You’ve lost an inch,” is not an expression you ever want to hear. Not if you’re a seamstress, a worm, a tightrope walker in the middle of a performance. Not if you’re a vertically challenged woman trying to puff up every measly feather she has. I argue with the nurse. “There must be something wrong with your ruler . . . I didn’t stand up straight . . . I’m having a slumpy day . . . Are you sure you don’t need glasses?” I tried it all. read more
over the moon together
I have a guy who needs convincing. Him: No, no way, nope. Me: Oh, come on. We’ll get up at 4 a.m., sunrise already in some parts of the world. We’ll throw our coats over our pajamas and take a tiny ride. I’ll drive. Him: We don’t wear pajamas. read more
reaching out, or not
I’m hunting an old boyfriend on the internet. Blame it on the holidays. In addition to the stress, fear, exhaustion, expectation, excitement, and disappointment -- the holidays also bring a reminder of the people who’ve occupied a big or tiny corner of love tucked in our hearts. We want to reach out, say hello, shoot them a line, make an old-fashioned phone call. Or stalk them on the internet. read more
is this the time for a tattoo?
There comes a time in life when the unthinkable suddenly makes sense. Even if you never were a badass. Never sat on your Harley smoking cigarettes behind a dive bar, never wore studded boots with mini shorts, never got sick drunk at a party. Well, one out of three ain’t badass, is it? read more
how to relax (a bit) in 1-2-3 easy steps
The other day I saw a driver giving his middle finger a serious workout, thrusting his arm straight up outside his car window, the digit held like an ornery balloon. He even waved it at people passing by, blaring his horn for extra entertainment, scooping them up in his pop-up party. There appeared to be no hands on the wheel. It's a crazy time. read more
happy hour, sort of
This unusual period of time in our country, the world, has created the all-new and perhaps enduring social distancing happy hour that brings friends and family sort of but not quite together in a sort of but not quite jovial time. Being jovial has been a bit of a challenge…read more
Meet the neighbors, or “neigh-bros”
Even though we haven’t gone far away lately, I have a new cast of characters in my life, and maybe you do too. I call mine Creamsicle, Cousin Itt, Sonny and Cher, Prince, the Manson Gang, the Crier, the Poodles and the Misguided, just to name a few. I check on them pretty much every day while pounding the neighborhood pavement. read more
spread your wings and fly, a little
With rain predicted here but not at the Jersey shore, we thought last week was a good time to pack the masks, Lysol, paper towels, plastic gloves, hand sanitizer, all our food so we wouldn’t need to risk takeout, all our emergency meds so we wouldn’t need to raid CVS, and find a cheap motel that had not yet served any other risky human this pandemic spring. Ding, ding, ding. We found one at Cape May. read more
advice from a sleep expert plus a little magic
“What we need is a sleep expert,” a friend said, and today, I have one for you. His name is Roger Cole, a sleep researcher and well-known yoga teacher from California and don’t we all need that when anxiety and maybe late night horror movies like the news and extra chocolate keep us awake. Even a little dark chocolate can mess with Mother Nature. Now that’s bad news. read more
don’t throw out the love letters
Like many of you, this extra time at home is sending me on a sentimental journey down memory lane as I sift through boxes piled up in the basement, garage, high up on shelves that I’d fairly well forgotten about, hadn’t the faintest idea I still had. Schmaltzy things like a grade school autograph book with this inscription: Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ I’m your friend/and you’re mine too. Epic poetry. read more
everybody needs a buddy
My friend Elayne, who I call my happy friend, made an upbeat suggestion. “Let’s be positive partners,” she said, “and let’s set aside an hour a week to discuss how to keep ourselves optimistic and moving forward in this scary time.” At first I smirked. Certainly we’d need a more stylish name, more modern, a title inspiring in and of itself. Happy Hunters? Joy Junkies? Silver Liners? Virus Vanquishers? read more
the joys of a hot bath in hard times
“It’s for the birds,” is something my Dad used to say. “Who needs it,” he would grunt, flicking his hand like swatting a fly. Sorry Dad, I disagree. For example, birds could be the world’s best experts on taking a glorious bath, and who doesn’t need that at home right now. read more
remember what mom said ... pick up the phone
A couple of centuries ago when social media was new -- we all started looking for people we hadn’t talked to since high school. I heard from the first guy I kissed when I was 13, the 15-year-old who tried to fight me because we wore the same white blouse, the guy who tried to unzip my polka dot prom dress. Suddenly all those people were there for a free-for-all, crawling in and out of the woodwork. read more
don’t underestimate your fridge
If I need to jog my memory about where I’ve been, who I’ve been with, how many kids are in the family, how many reasons I have to be proud, how cute or silly or young or hip or decidedly young we once were -- I have only one place to go.
I go to the 300-pound behemoth that stands front and center in the kitchen, a loyal and steadfast soldier, a mountain of strength, an ever present muscular keeper of most things that make the home festive, healthy, fun, and did I say tasty, even if it’s delivered with a whiff of arctic chill.
No, it’s not the man of the house, it’s the refrigerator. read more
get your real weird ID
If you haven’t gotten your Real ID drivers license which some of us need and some of us don’t and good luck figuring that out -- prepare to enter your cavernous DMV building to find aimless souls twitching their legs and checking their phones and wondering which bleary rep will input the vital info that proves you are who you say you are and who you are is maybe A-OK. read more
love can be cheap
If one Valentine’s Day card doesn’t quite say it all -- not the mushy one or the funny one or the singing one or the sexy one -- you could get in serious trouble.
Me: This is the card you got me?
Him: I thought it was funny.
Me: How about the one that says I love you ‘til the end of time.
Him: That one costs more.
Me: Smart move.
Even if you do get it right, when you go to your Hallmark store, you have the sense of being taken for a ride and it’s not to the chapel of love. read more
i lost my cool over pasta
Lots of things can make me angry. But outside of yelling at a customer service rep or maybe the plants, I usually keep cool on the outside. Save the freakouts for the beloved people closest to me like my husband who accepts sympathy at any time (call him!), because outside in the real world anger goes over like soggy cold potatoes. read more
no guilt new year
Time to be proud of ourselves! Proud of who we are, of what we do that’s right and good, proud of how much we like ourselves. Really? We’re not talking bravado, fake ego, delusion -- we’re talking about a deeply rooted sense of being OK with how we operate in the world, how we give and take, believing that people are lucky to have us as a friend, a family member, a mate. Yes, we’re talking about being pretty good folk. Not there yet? How do we make it happen? read more
looking for the inner fuzzy
If you haven’t yet caught the Danish-inspired wave called “hygge “-- pronounced hoo-gah -- which has created a hyped up marketing fad the past few winters, it may be because you don’t know your cool and comfy from your cold and edgy. Don’t worry, there’s still time to get your warm on. read more
people make you crazy
Living with another person is about as easy as, well, living with yourself, although when it comes to yourself, at least the odd quirks and assorted annoyances of being you are to be expected. With another person, however, it can be a bit of a surprise or even a shock to learn he/she/they doesn’t do everything the way you do, won’t do everything the way you do, doesn’t think it’s a good idea to do everything the way you do. One flimsy excuse after another just piled on. read more
the wisdom of butter and sugar
Aunt Wanda’s latest advice to us all -- and I am her proxy -- is this: At some point in your life, you have to stop doing things that frustrate you and start doing things that make you happy. She’s 97, so maybe she knows a thing or two. Or maybe not. read more
another day in the life
I’m sitting in my car in a hot parking lot in the middle of a perfectly organized day. It’s all about the lists. No time to waste. I’m thinking about what’s next when I see Doug. I’ll call him that because he’s short, a bit robust, neat, clean-cut. No, I’m not stalking some cool guy. He’s middle-aged, preppy, 3-button polo tucked into striped shorts, a belt. Hair slicked back, dark, a bit gray. read more
chasing the bucket list
Hang gliding over the Rockies? Starting the great American novel? Making apple pie from scratch? Organizing your family photos? No, don’t do that in summer! Otherwise no time like the present to tackle the bucket list. But the dream is just a dream and the pie is from a box if you don’t have apples and don’t go into the kitchen. So in the spirit of bringing Mohammed to the mountain, I boarded a boat on the west coast of Iceland…read more
a summer shark tale
With summer upon us, and all of us keeping our eyes peeled on the waves at the shore for that blade of darkness rising up from the deep, it’s hard not to recall an almost. An almost swept away by an undertow, an almost collision with something -- what was that? -- an ass over elbows tumble that almost left you in pieces. We’re not talking about the things that do happen. Hallelujah. We’re talking about the things that almost happen. So many they hardly count. Except when it comes to sharks. read more
stand up and be counted
Since no one asked me to deliver a commencement speech this year, an obvious oversight, I’d like to offer the belated advice I would have shared if I’d been called to whittle down life into one neat package. Forget the top ten. Who has the time? How about the top one. read more
do we ever grow up?
Is there ever a time in our lives when we stop blaming our parents? Even if it was all their fault? I posed that question to a group of complaining, blaming women -- if only Mom had been thinner, more supportive, smarter; if only Dad had been home more, talented, had a big fancy boat -- and everyone laughed. Then they became silent. Then they nodded their heads. Then they said OK now what; if the mess of my life isn’t their fault, whose fault is it? read more
put on your comfy pants
After buying new clothes that I later realize make me look old or fat or ugly or just plain stupid, I’m proud to say my selection of attire I can wear around the house has markedly increased. Around the house, I look quite stylish in a manic array of too frilly, too silly, too crinoline-y, a regular hodge-podge fashionista. read more
keep on rocking and rolling
In the midst of travel and deadlines and family and the flu, I love it when a plan comes together. I’m always amazed when a party, or a pair of tickets or a vacation goes right. So much can go wrong, so many wrenches thrown into the works. On my side of the street, anyway, there seems to be a direct relationship between importance and impotence. read more
bikini birthday blues
With a big birthday coming, I’ve encountered all sorts of advice on how a woman should approach her advancing age. Some of it is actually welcome. Especially the words of one woman after I boldly announce I’m going to be “a-hem, cough, cough” in April. She said, “Don’t ever say that number again.” And so, today at least, I won’t. read more
let’s show some skin
If you’re not the type to bare all, never had a great bikini or Speedo body, yet still want to feel light and airy as the warmth and long nights tiptoe back in, take a cue from the intimidating snake. No, that’s not a euphemism for your last boy or girlfriend. read more
a bad cook’s party tips
Since my last roasted Brussels sprouts looked like desiccated remains from an excavation site, and my last fried potatoes limped into their bowl, and my last rice dish was chiseled out of its pot, I’ve been wondering what advice I can possibly give when it comes to winter dinner parties that remove the sense of isolation that creeps in this time of year. Still, I have something to say on the subject. read more
cold hands, cold feet, cold heart
You know the old saying: “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes.” It originated in Norway but migrated to those countries where snow, ice, rain and wind can strike at any time, and where those who get caught shivering are reminded of their failures by strapping Norsemen to which there’s only one thoughtful response: “f*** off.” read more
talk nice, not dirty, this new year
It’s the beginning of January and we have lists of things we want to change, begin, accomplish. We have files of lists. We have drawers of files. We have cabinets of drawers. We have houses filled with cabinets. We’ve tried, we’ve failed, we’ve tried again, we’ve failed. Whatever it is -- new career challenges, less relationship drama, less dandruff -- we’ve tried. We’ve made big resolutions, promises, pronouncements, and we’ve failed. Plain and simple, we’re losers. read more
ode to soup
Even rotten cooks have their specialties. For me, it’s soup; you can always add a little water and throw in a couple of croutons. It’s the elixir of my winter life, and with the dark months upon us, I thought it wise to remind all of us when the going gets icy, windy, frigid, we can toughen-up with a bowl of hot, homemade, everything but the snow, giddy, gratifying soup. Even a rotten cook can make it. read more
Diary of boneheaded leisure
When was the last time you thought of peeking into someone else’s diary or the seemingly mature version, the journal? A page or two perhaps -- not the stuff that makes you cringe -- just enough to get a sense of what another suffering soul is thinking first thing in the morning, last thing at night, to help you feel you’re not crazy about the stuff that goes through your head. So here you go…read more.
finding jeans you can trust
Magda is the kind of person you pray you’ll meet after squeezing into every high-rise, low-rise, mid-rise, straight, skinny, cropped, distressed, boyfriend possibility in every Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s and Macy’s. And still when you get home with the best of the worst those who love you say take them back: “There’s too much material in front or the butt is hanging, or maybe jeans aren’t for you anymore now that your body is fatter, skinnier, saggier, changing.” read more.
the divas get laid-back
The Divas have a new goal this summer as we try to get more peace in our lives by way of not making ourselves miserable. Essentially, we’re going to un-beat ourselves up, instead of the other way around. As silly as it sounds, it’s a catchy little phrase that doesn’t beat around the prickly bush. Yes, it’s the beginning of the latest Wisdom Divas challenge. read more.
the naked thief
Have you ever worried you’ll lose your clothes in a dressing room while begging random shoppers for an opinion on a new outfit? Or you’ll unexpectedly run out of the house when deer start eating your lawn and you’ll forget you’re naked? Or superhuman villains from another planet will land on your roof and dematerialize your PJs but leave your body for all to see? read more
marriage or an affair
We all have lots of opportunities to consider whether a situation will be short-term or long. Maybe it’s a relationship or an investment of time and energy or a significant purchase. Will it be right for a week, a month, a season, a lifetime? Or just a couple of drinks. In other words -- is it a marriage or an affair? Good to know what criteria to apply. read more.
home is where the mess is
Whenever I leave the house on a trip, I leave written instructions. Water the plants Friday, grab fruit at the farmers market Saturday, pick up the dead branches blocking the front door, the ones you’re stepping over. I try to be specific. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t exist. read more
get out now
In a given week, how often do you drive away from home, remember you left something on the stove or forgot your gym bag or your shopping list or the gift you’re carrying to a party, and you turn back. Your neighbors see you rush out like a hyena and return crawling like a mouse, head tucked to the ground. Her again. You run back for hand sanitizer or tissues or dental floss -- what if, what if, what if. read more
america needs a nap
It’s the middle of the day -- maybe noon, maybe 2, maybe 4 -- and a light switch goes off in your head. Nervous, shaky, you start judging yourself: I’m all washed up, useless, lazy, soft, stupid, old. You run for coffee, grab a breath of fresh air, get up and walk around, try to keep busy. Maybe you reach for dark chocolate -- it’s an emergency! -- thinking it will help your heart which may be failing since you feel so faint. read more
have a 99% better day
Rolling out of bed with a minimum amount of pain and suffering and starting the day with a maximum amount of vim and vigor is one of mankind’s biggest challenges. Between the bed and the car, lots of things we can’t control can go very wrong. read more
broccoli cancels chocolate
I have enough pasta, tortilla chips and frozen bagels to satisfy the whole neighborhood not to mention most ethnic groups. I could live months maybe years in my house without buying an ounce of food. Should the apocalypse occur, my community is secure. Yet anything short of all-hell-breaking-loose leaves me panicked I’ll starve to death. read more
the definition of joy
The Wisdom Divas, my girl group, has decided to write “joy journals,” the kind of thing you did when you were 13 years old which we’re not, and the kind of thing you forget about after 13 when you have joy nailed down. Which we don’t. read more.
